A couple of months ago I realized that I wasn’t the one running this show:

After struggling to understand and failing, after searching and finding and losing, I feel that I have no choice – I have to admit that I don’t know. I don’t know if anything I do has lasting meaning. I cannot point to any purpose – high or low – that has guided me through life. Yet, I am still here. There is no denying that despite all that I’ve said so far, despite a lack of any convincing reason why, I am still here and I’m still moving. This leads me to one conclusion that appears inescapable – that there is something other than me, something greater than myself that has kept me going so far for reasons that are unknown to me and that possibly will continue to be unknown to me.

Recently I’ve taken to calling this ‘something other’ simply, Wholeness. Wholeness, as far as I can tell, is both the drive and the goal. It is working through me, as me, with me in order to realize more of itself here and everywhere. I sometimes want to lay claim to its works but, if I’m truly honest with myself, I cannot.

My friend Jamison asks “How do you move towards wholeness?” to which I answer: I don’t. Or rather, I just try to let go enough of my egoic motivations, to notice the self-contraction and to act out of Wholeness instead of craving, desiring, wanting… So in a way, it really isn’t me who moves towards Wholeness. To paraphrase C.G. Jung, the relationship between myself and Wholeness is that of a moved to a mover.

I should point out, that I’m not abdicating responsibility for anything I do. I still hold myself responsible, even though I’m not in charge. If anything I hold myself responsible to even more than before or perhaps I should say more responsible than before? There is an element of devotion in this relationship that I do not yet fully grasp but I find intriguing.

I intend to write more about this topic since it is on my mind quite often lately. One thing that I’d like to write about is recognizing Wholeness. It’s simple, unless I make it complicated.

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